Bill Gates in India

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SCENE:

Readers may recall witnessing how Dr Asha Agrwal, then head of Bandra Mental Asylum, saved Bill Gates from an almost certain death or, at best, from a life-long mental impairment (for details, see below). Bill has ever remained grateful to her for that. He even appointed her the chief robo-psychologist at Microsoft India.

In her new role, Asha recently faced her biggest challenge in the shape of an out-of-control robo-barber called R. Giskard. Through sheer brilliance, she was finally able to cure Giskard. This has given her confidence that robots, after-all, are not all that different from humans, especially as far as mental problems are concerned.

During this period of trial and triumph, Bill Gates also flew in from the US and helped her as much as he could. She was really delighted to have him at her disposal again, for a period of two weeks.

Giskard is now cured and his owner, Dr Nimai Ferguson, is back in the business of running his profitable hi-tech barber shop in Bollywood. Bill plans to return to the US. Asha is upset. She has always had romantic twinges crawling in her heart for Bill, but Bill has always treated her more like a platonic friend.

Upon Asha's insistence, Bill agrees to spend one night with her in Café De Garica (drinking and dancing), before flying back the next morning.

At the Airport, a tearful adieu later, Asha sings:

PARODY:

ASHA:
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana
Pardesiyon ko hai ek din janaaaa
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana

Humne yehi ek baar kiya tha
Humne yehi ek baar kiya tha
Ek pardesi ko cure kiya tha
Ek pardesi ko cure kiya tha
Aise bhaga ye bill jaise parwanaaa
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana

Sach hee kaha hai sankee inko
Sach hee kaha hai sankee inko
Raat ko thaharen to ud jayen din ko
Raat ko thaharen to ud jayen din ko
Inka pata na inka thikanaaaa
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana
Pardesiyon ko hai ek din janaaaa
Pardesiyon se na aankhiyaan milaana

MOVIE REF : Jab Jab Phool Khile

By Raghuvir Tomar on Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 07:31 pm:

SCENE:

Dr Nimai Ferguson is of mixed race. His mother was a Bengali and father an Englishman.

Nimai has recently obtained a Ph.D. from the Department of Haircut Engineering, University Of Connecticut. The ink is still fresh on his Ph.D. dissertation which is formidably titled "An optimized computer-aided haircut routine using Fletcher-Powell Technique with non-singular Falstoffe kernel".

Nimai has come back to India and has opened a high-tech barber shop in Bollywood. He is leasing a very advanced Microsoft Product called Computer Enhanced Haircut System (CEHS). CEHS is personally conceived and designed by Bill Gates. The customer sits in front of a camera and his/her picture is beamed on to a screen where technicians try various hairdos on his/her face. The decision making as to which hairdo is the best can be either manual or automatic. In the automatic mode, the system uses the best recommended beauty standards to define a 'goal' for the customer's face-cut and then selects that hairdo which minimizes the difference between the 'goal' and the 'reality'. In the manual mode, the customer makes the decision using his/her own judgment.

Once the decision is made, a robot named R. Giskard takes over and finishes the job in about 10 minutes maximum. The robot, while carrying out the job, also hums customer's favorite songs which the customer had already selected.

Nimai is charging Rs 15,000 for each hair-cut for men, and Rs 30,000 for each hair-cut for women. About 50% of his income goes straight into paying the monthly lease charges for CEHS, and about 30% into other items like staff salary, rent, electricity bill, etc. All this, of course, is based on the assumption that the number of customers is at least 50 per day.

People, especially film stars and rich people, are flocking to the scene and are really enjoying this new facility. They realize they are being charged a lot but don't mind too much. Nimai justifies high prices by pointing out high lease charges that he has to pay Microsoft every month.

Things seem to be going fine when disaster strikes. Giskard develops some defect and, during the humming of the songs, starts saying occasional loud 'phews' into the customer's ear, followed by a superior smirk on his face (or a naughty wink if the customer is a female). Nimai starts losing customers left and right. He is very upset. He complains to Microsoft India where the chief robo-psychologist, Dr Asha Agrwal, takes over. She remotely logs into Giskard but finds nothing wrong. She pays some personal visits too and conducts extensive tests, but nothing is helping. She decides to completely disable the song-singing feature. This helps for a few days, but then the 'phew' problem re-surfaces.

While all this is going on, Nimai has invited Bill over too. Bill is too glad to come since CEHS was his own design and he is very curious about this strange behavior that Giskard is showing.On top of it, Bollywood is one of Giskard's first field-trials and any insights gained will help in the next design cycle.

Another customer-less morning is in progress. Nimai has been calling all the past customers who have appointments today. Govinda refuses to come since he is not comfortable with an out-of-control electronic monster doing the hair-cut. Farha says the same. Jackie Shroff apologizingly refuses but sends a complimentary bottle of rum for Bill and Nimai. The only star who agrees to come is our ever-brave Mr India, Anil Kapoor.

Nimai has ordered a large biryani-centered lunch while everyone is waiting for Anil Kapoor . Time flies by. It is 2 pm and still there are no signs of Anil Kapoor. The lunch is getting cold and the rum is getting hot, but no one is in a mood to enjoy them.


They sing:

PARODY:

NIMAI:
Akele hain chale aao jahan ho
Kahan awaz den tum ko kahan ho
Akele hain chale aao jahan ho...

Tumhen hum moondte hain
Humen bill moondta hai
Tumhen hum moondte hain
Humen bill moondta hai
Na ab govinda hai koi
Na koi farha haiiiiii
Akele hain chale aao jahan ho
Kahan awaz den tum ko kahan ho
Akele hain chale aao jahan ho...

BILL:
Ye biryani ka alam
Aur oos par shroff ka rum
Ye biryani ka alam
Aur oos par shroff ka rum
Na peete hain na khate
Batao kya karen hum
Akele hain chale aao jahan ho
Kahan awaz den tum ko kahan ho
Akele hain chale aao jahan ho...

MOVIE REF : Raaj

By Raghuvir Tomar on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 07:20 pm:

SCENE:

Bill Gates is now recovering, under Dr Asha Agrwal's intensive care at Bandra Mental Asylum. His child-like obsession with Mumbai locals has come down to a healthy curiosity for them.

FBI takes Bill back to the US of A, to face charges of mental harassment (brought forward by Windows Users Association) and of contempt of court (since he absconded and ran away to Mumbai). Jury finds him guilty of designing a product that attacks user's brain cells and slowly destroys them. The judge, however, is aware of Bill's ordeal in Mumbai, including the third-degree treatment given him by Inspector Dharkar. He lets Bill go after Bill agrees to sign a pledge promising that the next release of Windows will be a lot more user-friendly.

Upon release, Bill immediately flies back to Mumbai where Asha awaits, along with many of her girl friends. Everyone is curious to see Bill and Asha's re-union. A crowd of Municipality Officials is also waiting, to deliver him a plaque commemorating his fling with Mumbai locals.

Bill emerges from the 'Arrival' and is enveloped by Asha's embrace. Asha sings:

PARODY:
ASHA:
Ghar aya mera pardesi
Pyaas bujhi meri sakhiyan kee...

Ab court chhodh ke mat aana
Window finish kar ke aana
Kasam tumhe mere server kee
Ghar aya mera pardesi...

Too meri disk ka format hai
In locals kee izzat hai
Yaad hai mere asylum kee
Ghar aya mera pardesi...

MOVIE REF : Nagin

By Raghuvir Tomar on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 07:16 pm:

SCENE:

Readers may recall that Bill Gates was brought to Bandra Mental Asylum by police, because of his peculiar obsession of riding Mumbai locals whole day, seven days a week. Dr Asha Agrwal has put Bill under heavy sedatives. However, Bill's delirium refuses to go way. His feverish mouth is still sputtering words like Ghatkopar, Sayan, Vikroli, and Chinchpokli (various train stations in Mumbai). Asha increases the dose to a very high level. Bill finally subsides and goes to sleep (at least, pretends to). Asha falls asleep too, at his bedside.

Asha is suddenly woken up by a sound and finds Bill gone.

She rushes outside and finds him, an unlit flashlight in hand, running toward the compound wall, with the intention of jumping over and heading to the nearest railway station. She pleads with him to stop but fails. She is desperate. Suddenly, the Constable on duty, Mr Sarvate, brings out a piano. They sing:

PARODY:

CONSTABLE SARVATE:

Kahan jaa raha hai too e jaane wale
Kahan jaa raha hai too e jaane wale
Andhera hai haath ka diya to jala le
Kahan jaa raha hai too e jaane wale
Kahan jaa raha hai...

Ye local safar ek lamba safar hai
Ye local safar ek lamba safar hai
Bahakna hai mumkin bhatakne ka dar hai
Bahakna hai mumkin bhatakne ka dar hai
Jo khareede the nakshe wo kyoon phaad daaale
Kahan jaa raha hai too e jaane wale
Kahan jaa raha hai...

BILL:
Jaata hoon main mujhe ab na bulana
Jaata hoon main mujhe ab na bulana
Meri yaad bhee apne dil me na lana
Mera hai kya meri manzil na koi thikana
Jaata hoon main...

ASHA:
Kabhee ye bhee socha ki manzil kahan hai
Kabhee ye bhee socha ki manzil kahan hai
Bade se nagar me tera ghar kahan hai
Tera ghar kahan hai, tera ghar kahan hai

CONSTABLE SARVATE:
Samabhalta naheen bill kisee ke sambhale
Kahan jaa raha hai too e jaane wale
Kahan jaa raha hai...
Kahan jaa raha haiiiiii...
Kahan jaa raha haiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
Kahan jaa raha haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
(AND BILL RETURNS)

MOVIE REF : Seema

By Raghuvir Tomar on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 07:55 pm:

SCENE:

Readers may recall that Bill Gates had run away to Mumbai, in order to avoid a law-suit (in the USA) by Windows Users Association. He lives anonymously in a Mumbai chaal now. Everyone assumes that he is just one more of those weird American tourists that Mumbaiites are so used to.

In order to overcome his boredom, Bill starts taking the local trains. Initially he is shocked by the crowds and by the hustle and bustle. But that phase is soon over. Now he is intoxicated with Mumbai locals. He finds them a very thrilling (not to mention cheap and convenient) way of exploring Mumbai.

Starting at 6 am and until midnight, seven days a week, Bill is on the trains, enjoying life as he never did before. The trouble lurks behind, however. Constable Kadam has been watching him for a while, just out of curiosity, since he knows that many foreign tourists are in cahoots with local drug dealers. His curiosity slowly turns into serious suspicion, especially after watching Bill's consistently weird routine for a week. He informs Inspector Dharkar who arrives and takes Bill into custody for questioning, without realizing that he has world's wealthiest man in his hands.

Bill is locked up in Matunga jail and Dharkar is trying to get 'truth' out of him. Dharkar finally gives up when even his third-degree tricks fail to get a 'confession' out of Bill. Moreover, Dharkar is getting headaches listening to Bill's constant, almost mantric, pleadings, 'let me go back to the trains, please, otherwise I will commit suicide'.

Dharkar calls Detective Dhurandhar Bhatwadekar and asks him to take over. Bhatwadekar, upon arrival, immediately recognizes Bill. Bhatwadekar also remembers that an international arrest warrant is pending for Bill, under 'contempt of court' charge.

Bhatwadekar informs CBI who inform FBI. FBI agents are on their way. Bill, in the meantime, is refusing to eat or drink unless he is allowed back on the
trains. Bhatwadekar sends him to Bandra Mental Asylum where Dr Asha Agrwal, the head, personally takes over.

Asha is intrigued by Bill, the world's wealthiest man who is so obsessed with Mumbai locals. She tells CBI and FBI, quite firmly, to back off until she is
ready to let Bill go.

Bill is under strong sedatives and is being fed glucose, to keep him alive. Asha watches him sympathetically, crying her heart out, trying to imagine the hell this poor creature has gone through.

PARODY:

ASHA:
Mere toote huye bill se
Koi to aaj ye poochhe
Ki tera haal kya hai
Ki tera haal kya hai......

BILL (AWAKENING):
Maangi local payee pitayee
Mumbai mujh ko raas na ayee
Pahle kadam se thokar khai
Sada azad rahte the
Humen maloom hee kya tha
Dharkar kya bala hai
Dharkar kya bala hai
Mere toote huye dill se
Koi to aaj ye poochhe
Ki tera haal kya hai
Ki tera haal kya hai........

By Raghuvir Tomar on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 05:47 pm:

SCENE:

Windows Users Association, at the behest of its members, sues Bill Gates for mental cruelty. Facing hostile judge, jury, and media, Bill runs away to India and starts living anonymously in a Mumbai chaal. In a way, he is happy in his new role as a weird foreigner. But he is terribly lonely too. To overcome his boredom, he decides to be adventurous and takes the local from Dadar to Vikroli.

The train is very crowded, even by Mumbai standards. People are constantly jostling their way in and out. Bill is squeezed from all directions and sees sympathy in no one's eyes. Feeling extremely frustrated, he sings:

PARODY:

BILL:
Dhakke pe dhakka rele pe rela
Hai bheed itni par bill akela
Par bill akela
Bill ko maarne wale marenge bhikhari
Bill ko maarne wale marenge bhikhari
Such hai Mumbai walo hum hain anadi..

MOVIE REF : Anadi

By Raghuvir Tomar on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 09:37 pm:

Read (and contribute to) Bill Gate's India adentures, via Film Song's Parodies

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